


all in tatters with wounds turned to scars

by Buttercup_ghost



Series: instead of cutting your wrists, cut your overgrown hair [1]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: (...do i still need to tag that?), ....probably?, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Bittersweet, Complicated Relationships, Depression, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Guilt, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Neo World Program (Dangan Ronpa), New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers, Nwp au, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Neo World Program (Dangan Ronpa), Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Virtual Reality, but not all of it yet, not all of it is written out yet - a lot is planned and some of it is written, or at least partially written
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-02-23 10:35:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23910193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: Kaede Akamatsu died, struggling against her strangulation, as Monokuma made a puppet of her, forcing her to play notes with her trembling feet.Then—Kaede Akamatsu woke up.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede & Amami Rantaro, Akamatsu Kaede & Chabashira Tenko, Akamatsu Kaede & Everyone, Akamatsu Kaede & Harukawa Maki, Akamatsu Kaede & Iruma Miu, Akamatsu Kaede & Momota Kaito, Akamatsu Kaede & Oma Kokichi, Akamatsu Kaede & Saihara Shuichi, Akamatsu Kaede & Shirogane Tsumugi, Akamatsu Kaede & Yonaga Angie, Akamatsu Kaede & Yumeno Himiko, Akamatsu Kaede/Harukawa Maki, Chabashira Tenko/Yonaga Angie/Yumeno Himiko, Momota Kaito/Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, past Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi - Relationship, past Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito
Series: instead of cutting your wrists, cut your overgrown hair [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1723471
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	all in tatters with wounds turned to scars

**Author's Note:**

> title from ‘[i wanted to be your god](https://youtu.be/UoBU_oYPDC8),’ which is.... pretty topical. it’s a pretty under-appreciated song tbh but i like it a lot!
> 
> i’m actually trying to work on! a playlist for this kaede! look forward to that whenever i finish it. which. who knows when since my playmoss has been having issues recently.
> 
> anyways, i’ve been rewatching drv3 for [the butterfly](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23269966/chapters/55726666) & i. i have a lot of Feelings about kaede, esp in a nwp au. here are some of them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There’s nothing wrong with that, she reminds. It’s a good thing he’s more confident. 
> 
> It’s what she had wanted, wasn’t it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter: guilt, past temporary character death/murder, self blame, unhealthy coping mechanisms, past trauma, uhhh just mental health issues in general?

“How are you?” Saihara asks, careful and calculated.

Truthfully, if she was honest, Kaede wanted to scream at his tone—controlled, cautious, as if he was placating a cornered animal. It grated on her, the same tone her therapist used. _No_ , she wanted to cry, to rage about how unfair it all was, _how could I possibly be anything but **awful**?_

But this was Saihara. No matter how frustrating that question was, no matter how much it set her on edge, she couldn’t snap at him. Not at _him_ , not after everything—so she simply grit her teeth, smiling hollowly. “I’m good,” she laughed lightly, pumping her fists, “I feel a lot better!”

Relief bloomed on Saihara’s face, as he relaxed. “Good,” he smiled at her tiredly, “That’s good. I’m glad.” 

They laspe into silence, for a moment. It’s awkward. Kaede remembers, back—back _then_ , their silences were never awkward.

But then again, there’s a lot of things that’s changed.

Case in point: “How are thing going with Ouma-Kun and Momota-Kun?” She asks, faux-light. Her voice is tighter than she means it to be.

“Huh?” Saihara startles, before he blinks, calming. That’s another thing that’s different. He seems... more at peace with himself.

There’s nothing wrong with that, she reminds. It’s a good thing he’s more confident.

It’s what she had wanted, wasn’t it?

Yet.

Something scorches her ribcage.

Her smile gets tighter. (It might be envy.)

“Well...” Saihara hesitates, some. Without his hat, his golden eyes pierce her, molten pits of honey. “Things are going—good?” It sounds almost like a question. “It’s hard to know with Kokichi, but. Well. I think therapy is helping.”

Right. Kaede forces her lips up, further. “I’m glad, Saihara-Kun!” She chuckles, slightly strained, “I imagine things can get rough with the two of them, huh? They’re both such colorful personalities!”

Saihara looks thoughtful. “Maybe,” he says, “But.”

He falls silent, eyebrows furrowing. “They do butt heads, but. It’s not like it used to be.” His teeth gnaw at his lips, “They... They understand each other, I think.”

Kaede watched his troubled look, eyebrows furrowed. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

Saihara jolted, blushing a bit. It looks like he forgot she was there, lost in his own thoughts. (And that’s fine, really. She does that too, sometimes, lost in a daze, in long past memories, just a little too long. It’s fine. It has to be fine.)

“Ah, um..” He shook his head, “It is, of course. I’m happy they’re getting along, but...”

Something flickered on his face. He sighed, lifting to stare at his hands against the sunlight. “Sometimes I think I’m the problem.”

Kaede startled, “That’s not—”

Saihara shook his head, cutting her off. “No, let me finish,” he said, something sparking in his gaze, like a match, “I think I need to say this.” 

Cautiously, she nodded. He smiled at her, grateful, as his shoulders slumped. 

(In relief or defeat, she wondered?)

“It’s still hard for me to understand them. I think. It’s not the same.” His head titled, “I used to think Kokichi was the troublesome one, but. That might have been unfair of me.” Something distant haunted his face, “I think I’ve been unfair, to them. During everything. I always thought I knew and understood Kaito, but I think I was using him as a shield, for a while.” His eyes flickered to her, something rueful, “I don’t think it’s fair of me to idolize someone like that. Everyone has faults, and things they struggled with.”

He laughed, but it was a bitter sound. “That’s why I always got so blindsided. When he started coughing up blood. I didn’t expect it.” He hesitated. Bit his lip.

Eyes still slanted towards her, debating on how much to say. “I was unfair that way to you, too.” 

Kaede averts her own, laughing. The sound taste like dirt—it crumbles in her mouth. “Haha,” she says it a little too flat, as she fiddles with her hair, “What are you saying? It’s fine to rely on someone, sometimes.” She smiles a little too wide, “It was my fault it happened.”

Saihara looks at her. Analyzes; she tries not to squirm under it. Those beautiful eyes she used to catch glimpses of, used to admire safely underneath his hat, before she ruined everything—looking at her with such an intense gaze. She can’t even meet it, much less hold it. “Your shot put ball didn’t land,” he says, carefully, “You didn’t kill Rantaro.”

She fidgets, at that. Let’s her purple eyes flicker to met his yellow. _I might as well have,_ she wants to say, _if I didn’t roll that shot put, he wouldn’t have died._

But she knows he wouldn’t want to hear it. It wouldn’t be productive to say, no matter how true. 

(It doesn’t matter, anyways. Their deaths were all fake, their despair something to gawk at, and no one was actually hurt at all. No harm, no foal. It was how the world could justify doing this—except. Whenever she looked in the mirror, into the face of a stranger she didn’t recognize, all tired eyes and empty smiles, she couldn’t help but call _bullshit_.) 

“I know,” she says instead, smiling reassuringly at him, “Sometimes I forget, though.” 

He relaxed, at that. An exhale of tension. “I understand.” He faltered, some, “It wasn’t your fault, though. It was—it was only ever Tsumugi’s.”

Her smile turned plastic at the name. She nodded, anyways. “Thanks, Shuichi,” She said, softly, giggling how he flushed slightly at his given name. “You’re a good friend.”

It was true. That didn’t make it burn any less.

* * *

(It was still so hard to meet that gaze.) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yep, this was pretty short! at least compared to what it was originally going to be—a monster of a one shot, with everything i wanted to explore about kaede in it... i decided to break it up, though.
> 
> this will probably be... fairly slow to update? i’m unsure, really. i’ve been focusing on my bnha/dr fusion verse, as well as a drv3 kagepro au, though mainly the first one... but kaede akamatsu is my favorite protagonist aside from makoto and i just.... really wanted to write this. i’ve wanted to write something like it for years, honestly! but as i mentioned, i just got possessed with Emotion™ rewatching drv3, and couldn’t wait any longer....
> 
> re: the chapter title. world: reversed & upright refers to tarot cards! upright represent saihara, who has for the most part accepted what happened, and found himself better for it. he’s able to reflect, and be critical of himself, without falling into self-deprecation, at the end of everything. kaede is not. she hides her feelings, doesn’t communicate, and is self deprecating and unaccepting of what happened. she’s the world in reverse; when she started her journey in drv3 she was very much the fool, upright, but due to everything that’s happened, her journey being cut short so violently and traumatzingly, she found herself thrust to the ‘end’ of her journey, so to speak, and feeling unaccomplished and incomplete for it.


End file.
